After 2 years

With some persistent consistency I am back in my healthy weight range💃

With tenacity and resilience I have a healthy body with all the nice lumps and bumps and none of the nastys🎊

With faith and belief I have post traumatic growth and a renewed purpose for life🌻

After 5 hours of waiting and 30 minutes in the holding bay I finally walked into theatre. I blame Victoria for asking too many questions in her appointment that same morning for my surgeon running 2 hours behind schedule🤣 . (Victoria is my fellow breast cancer friend of whom I referred to Dr Michelle Lodge for her reconstruction). We are both cancer free so I should just call her my friend really.

After 24 hours without food I finally got fed last night at 10pm (all be it with a plate of carbs). Compression dressing tape was causing me irritation so had to get Toddles to drive home at lunch today from work so he could bring me back my compression bra, as I was not allowed to remove the tape until I had the bra on. Missed seeing the boys last night after surgery as they waited a few hours for me in my room, but due to miscommunication, they arrived not long after I went to theatre and I didn’t get back until 9.45pm. We can’t have the cherubs waiting all night! They were hungry 😅🍔

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. I’m close to the end now.

Happy Days xx

This is what I know, part 2

Shit Burger Masterclass: so life serves you a shit burger, the way I see it is you have four choices:

a) eat it

b) flush it

c) bury it

d) throw it away

a) eat it. You got this shit burger, it’s not what you ordered, it looks like shit, smells like shit and tastes like shit. But what else are you gonna do? People feel sorry for you when they see you eating it, but they’re not eating it so they have no idea how bad it tastes, in fact they’re coming no where near you. You are asking yourself why do I have to eat it. Why me? I call this SELF PITY and in answer to your question I say why not you? Why are you so special that you don’t get a shit burger dealt to you every now and then.

b) flush it. So you get this burger and you think I didn’t order this, Im not accepting this, Im just gonna get rid of it. So you take it directly to the toilet and you flush it. Now that works for a few days, a few months, maybe even years, but at some point that shit burger starts to resurface in all your drains inside the house and out. It’s disgusting, it stinks and now you have to call a plumber. But you don’t want to cause it’s embarrassing, and you know he’s gonna make you stick your hand in that drain and pull out the original blockage..that burger, and you might have to stick your arm all the way in and it’s gonna hurt, it may even scar. I call this DENIAL. Better to have dealt with the shit burger when it happens cause you’re gonna have to deal with it eventually any way.

c) bury it. So you know you have this burger and you know you need to deal with it, but right now is so inconvenient, so you decide to take it out side, dig a little hole, put the burger in there and recover it with dirt. It’s a little patchy but you say I’ll deal with it later however deep down you’re hoping the grass will grow over and you’ll forget it ever got served. Now this works until the dog sniffs out the shit burger and digs it up. You rebury it but by now the dog is in the habit of digging and before you know it you have holes all over your back yard. You can’t even remember what made him start digging in the first place. I call this UNFINISHED BUSINESS. If only you had dealt with that shit burger instead of hoping it would just go away, it wouldn’t have manifested itself in your life (backyard) in this way with all these holes.

d) throw it away. Now you’ve been served this burger. You accept it with grace (you may even say thank you). You don’t want it but you know before you get rid of it you need to plan an attack of how to appropriately get rid of it forever. So you find out the facts about it and research the resources you will need for a solution. These may include gloves, tongs, garbage bag, nose peg and/or mask. It ain’t gonna be pretty you admit to yourself. You plan a timeline of when the garbage collection will take place. You action your plan, you put the gloves on, use the tongs to carefully pick up the stinky burger, you place it in the bag and tie it tight, you put it out for collection and you wave it goodbye, giving thanks for the lessons it as taught you about dealing with unwanted shit burgers. I call this DEALING WITH IT + REFLECTION = POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH. You have acknowledged and accepted there is a problem, found a solution to how you will deal with it, actioned your plan and reflected on your learnings.

It’s your choice. It’s ALWAYS your choice.

Happy days xx

This much I know is true

A quote: you can’t help that birds will fly over head but you can stop them from building nests in your hair

When I talk about meditation, most people are accepting but equally of the opinion they just can’t do it. I don’t have time, my minds too busy, it’s a waste of time, what’s the point, I end up thinking about what I have to do, I wouldnt know where to start, I can’t sit still….. ya de ya de ya. The excuses are endless.

I’ve never heard anyone say meditation is easy, it’s hard work. Just like if you want to lose weight, it’s hard work resisting the temptation of food. If you want to change your body shape and build muscle it’s hard work going to the gym and pumping iron. If you want to quiet your mind, get to know yourself better, improve your overall health and wellbeing, it’s hard work. But it’s worth it.

Would you say my muscles are weak so I can never lift weights to make them strong? Unlikely, because everyone knows that’s how you build strength. Same for the mind. Don’t be a slave to your weak mind, be it’s master. Take control, allow the thought but don’t get caught up in it, but for goodness sake whatever you do, don’t say you can’t. It’s called practice for a reason.

I don’t think I do it very well, and yet here I am practicing most days and feeling overall pretty good, lower blood pressure, calmer outlook, fully aware of my strengths and weaknesses which provides goals for me to improve on: happy, healthy and whole.

Don’t know where to start? In your hand is a device called a mobile phone which has this thing called Google on it and if you type in meditation, a plethora of info, guided meditations and apps are at your finger tips. No excuses only your own will, want and desire.

As for me I’m destined to have new boobs in less than a month (this day last year I was forgetting to add them on when I got dressed so no more of that). Meanwhile I’m super relieved that Nerlynx (the trial drug I was on that I could not tolerate for more than 2 weeks) never made the cut to PBS pharmaceutical scheme, which means I have no guilt in not pursuing it further, which means after this surgery and my nipple reconstruction I am done with this entire experience!

In addition, yesterday I took the next step in my new career and enrolled in Cert IV Life Coaching due to a phenomenal eofs sale saving me 2 thirds of the usual fee.

Happy days xx

Hangxiety

Its been brewing for a few weeks now but the moment I  woke this morning I knew I had an undeniable feeling of being utterly overwhelmed.

I tried everything today: I meditated, I took 10 deep breaths while working from home during the day, I took breaks, I completed tasks that were sitting in my to do’s annoying me and I even logged off work 10 minutes early before I killed / broke some one or something. The only thing that remotely helped throughout the day was a snatch of The Golden Girls.

To begin with I hate waking up to a work day and not having a plan for my tasks (ok Cheryl you have a point that I like a little control), I am concerned about the success of my impeding surgery and not only am I trying to study but also building my brand, planning my business, attempting to make business resources with a PC that has just shit itself, taken on some pro bono friends/clients for life coaching practice, but also trying to plan a romantic weekend away, decide on low carb recipes everyone will enjoy, including me…. did I mention I could eat a cat this week, so very aware I don’t want to self sabotage (which I’m known to do at this stage often). With all that being said I needed to get a grip.

I took advantage of the late afternoon sun and walked the dog. I’d like to say the fresh air, increased heart rate and time outside is the only reason I feel better, because I know this is certainly an element, but alas the answer goes deeper than that.

While walking I took the opportunity to life coach my self and asked my self the tough questions what the fuck is wrong with you? Kidding, I asked I’m heading where I want to go so what is causing these feelings? (besides being hungry). I discovered after being so filled with the need to Q _ _ _ M _ J _ _ like yesterday, I have been trying to fit everything into building a reality so I can infact start that new life. So, as a soon to be life coach I recognised with the right questions, the client can come up with their own answers.

So what did I do? First I found a recipe that was easy with ingredients already in my house and low carb that got me excited about cooking and eating tonight so I didn’t ruin all my success. Second I moved all my tasks from Thursday to Saturday into my calendar for next week with exception to the things I need to enjoy this weekend. Third I decided to not study again for another 7 days (except my pro bono clients, cause I’m counting that as practical study) and in the meantime getting my PC looked at. Fourth, decided to ask for help with the tech side of things I am struggling with when I am ready to continue that journey while considering if it would be better to simply focus on study for the time being. Fifth I poured a wine.

I think I might be ok at this caper. Happy days xx

Locked and loaded

On the 7th of June, it was my 2 year anniversary of this journey, when I found my lump. That date was also exactly 4 months from my 1st reconstruction surgery when I realized I’ve gone the distance and ready for the next phase. I have seen the surgeon today and she confirmed we have significant implants to implant and it’s time to move forward…..July 20th.

While very pleased with the process, and happy with sprouting DD, I don’t necessarily feel like they look like that but even more worrisome, I’m a little scared I don’t know how to do well!! I mean I have had chronic pain and disease on and off now for 20 odd years.

In revealing my vulnerability I also need to clarify I am 1000% happy, healthy and whole and of the unshakable belief I will remain that way. So although it’s challenging to visualise a future without dis-ease in it, it is possible.

Which brings me to the realm of possibilities. So I’m currently, as you know, emersing my self in coaching study, building my business in the pre planning stage, and last but most empowering researching quantum physics. So what did I learn last night? Particles become waves when you stop observing them, when in the wave molecule state, one molecule is in multiple locations or possibilities. This is when the magic happens. Bottom line: your body has the inherent desire to heal itself, so stop getting in it’s way.

With this being said, I’ve decided to test my theory and not go back on my trial drug after my surgery is finished.

Happy days xx

Deflated

Yes you heard me right. It’s a real thing. I had a fortnight between expansions this round, while we try and play catch up to the left, with the stubborn right breast. I felt after the first week, I was mostly even or right on track to be. By the time I saw my Doc the second week, it felt as though it had reduced in size a little. Impossible I thought. Stop being paranoid I told myself. She confirmed ‘sometimes that happens, they can deflate’. I was devoed. She explained the muscles can oppose the expander, but if there is room in the breast pocket the expander will win eventually. She didn’t seem too concerned. I mean they’re not her tits are they? She just pumped some more in, wam, bam, thank you mam, see you next fortnight!

So after that little event I decided once and for all, to go and get fitted and measured. 14 DD and a 12 E!! WTseriousF. All the websites online with my measurements eluded to a B, a potential C – one site even said I was an A cup. I think my girth definitely has assisted that DD cup size, although I’m aware that the numbers are the band size, we all know they can be interchanged to get the same fit. She looked for the bone of the bra to fit on my side boob correctly and the DD’s are for sure the most comfortable bra (pre mastectomy) I’ve had in years. They are soft half cups to allow for my finished product to settle if needed. A good starter pack anyway. Makes me wonder though if I was in the right bra size for a decade! Probable always a C cup actual, but never really ventured out of a 12 for self esteem reasons!

So in laying all that ground work, I am feeling very happy with my body shape at the moment and as long as no more deflation takes place I reckon I’m ready to go for it and lock these babies in. As fate would have it, after my reconstruction op I was eager and asked my surgeon how long before the implant surgery and she predicted ‘about 4 months’. Well it is bang on 4 months on Sunday. She’s crazy good!

I did the calculation for 4 months after that surgery and worked out it would fall right on the weekend after our 25th wedding anniversary. Another reason I went out and bought some sexy lingerie. So I’m hopeful the surgery can be planned for end of June early July. Next step beyond that is nipples, sun bake naked again, then take on the world and be the best wellness coach the universe has ever seen!

Happy days xx

Subtle changes

For my entire life, as long as I can remember, I used to have to have a pad and paper next to my bed to write down anything I remembered while drifting off to sleep or throughout the night or even while I walk or drive. I struggled to concentrate on what people were saying to me if a thought or chore dropped into my head. I had the same trouble trying to meditate and followed the same habit of breaking conversation, sleep, walk or meditation to scribe a chore so I didn’t forget. I believed this habit was acceptable because in the past my mum had a memory like a sieve and it must be genetic and she wrote everything, down to what she would talk to me about when she called me, so the answer must be this and I can’t change because this is who I am. I am slowly allowing myself to think the thought, then tell it I will deal with you later in a more appropriate time. In addition I am saving thoughts and things I’d like to say to others for more appropriate times, rather than when they just pop into my head (previously being scared I’d forget them, I would randomly chatter, often starting a fight, now trusting, if they are important for others to hear and for me to share there will be a right time to share them). I am trying to change a 47 year old habit which requires dedication and patience but I have to say I have not needed that pad in quite some time, not because I don’t think of things but because I trust I will remember them if and when I need to! What came first? The better memory so I could meditate, sleep, walk in peace, be in the moment with a friend? Or did the meditation improve the memory and the trust in this process and change? All I know is I’m calmer sleeping and meditating and working. Not only has the chemo fog completely lifted but more cogs are turning while I tackle DVA & NDIS complex claiming process. I can concentrate for longer, be more precise. Make less mistakes.

My body is changing. I’m pre cancer weight again – lost 6kg, albeit in a bid to promote healthy esteem and motivation I am minusing the saline going in the tits every week. So far in total there is 845ml and I am feeling every mililitre! I’m about my original size now despite two different shapes (that’s very real) due to two different expanders – ones a triangle and ones a square 🔺️🟥 😳 Kidding….more like a tennis ball and a football but of equal proportions!Hopefully the next surgery when adding implants will even out the breast shapes (But I’m too scared to ask the surgeon cause she’s made it very clear I’m on a needs to know basis, and I must point out, I trust her so I’m ok with that). Any one going into a reconstruction with the belief it’s an easy op is delusional. It’s long, painfull, uncomfortable and uniquely stressful. Weekly appointments for expansion see your chest under new pressure every week, this week brought new and excruciating nerve pain. Not sure how much more I can take. This week I have been practising I am not what I think and feel, only observing it mantra, which has helped me cope and low and behold should I not find a similar quote on Russel Brand’s FB post yesterday. .

In the other 3rd of my life between working and self care/DRs appointments, I’ve decided to start a certificate in Wellness Coaching. Im hoping in the near future this website will become my business website and I can coach individuals or facilitate wellness programs in the community. I’ve spent the last few months designing my logo, a small yet unfinished business plan, a promotional pamphlet, a business name & setting my intention. I based my logo in line with a long time belief and picture I’ve used which reflects a quote by the Dalai Lama ripples of change are only noticed in a calm lake not a stormy ocean.

Happy days xx

Mind over Matter

Literally.

How often do we let our bodies define what we can do, what we can achieve or even how we will feel today? But there is a better way, and when they say we only use a very tiny percentage of our brain, this is where quantum physics comes in. We could all use our brains for so much more, connect to our heart, our souls and then use that power to create who we want to be, lose our chronic pain, spontaneously cure disease as mysteriously as we contract it, live the life we deserve.

The scientific experts are now proving what many of our ancient ancestors believed without the proof (umm sounds a bit like blind faith does it not?). And that is when we connect our heart and brain rhythm and create theta brain waves we can literally think our way into our destiny rather than fall into our fate! Deep ha.

Don’t get me wrong, if it were easy everyone would be doing it and we would have no disease or illness. I have literally been practicing it for over 20 years and still tangle my self up in dis-ease, dis comfort and disappointment.

The sports psychologists know this though don’t they, and the successful business leader mentors. The people with disability who continue to defy doctors and the general public as a whole with what they achieve, successful athletes, the over achievers, the entrepreneurs, inventors, holocaust survivors, natural disaster survivors, people that shouldn’t be alive, be able to walk, talk, breath, all have one thing in common. They know that their body is not their brain, but their mind is their brain. Their mind will tell their body what to do, not the other way around.

So why do we let our body’s tell us what to do?

HABIT

Which is where meditation comes in. If we can take some time out of every day to train our brain, we can begin to break bad habits we don’t like about ourselves and become the person we want to be.

So I emphasise this is more than positive thinking. Positive thoughts are awesome but they won’t subconsciously change a habit. The neuroscience now suggests, going into theta brain wave (essentially hypnotic state), is where the magic happens.

My mission is to now find this state more often than once or twice.

If you want to give it a go here are a few tips:

Do or write down all the things on your mind to clear you’re head

Find a space you enjoy being in where you will not be interrupted

Sit up, close your eyes, take 10 deep breaths and focus on nothing (the key here is to focus on something! Ie your breathing, a word, a mantra, but one single focus)

Now touch your heart and focus on your heart. Think of things like love, compassion, kindness, gratitude. Do this for as long as you can.

Now create your future. Live in that future, when you awake BE that future.

Simples

Happy days xx

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.facebook.com/DrJoeDispenzaOfficialNewsFanPage/videos/2191449014213814/&ved=2ahUKEwjEm_3mz-voAhXFxzgGHULFDSkQwqsBMAB6BAgJEAQ&usg=AOvVaw1WYX7dwkDgj7Cg_r0Q-WA7

Above is a quick link to a video by Dr Joe Dispenza explaining brain wave patterns.

A Balance Act

Another breast expansion today, with every visit there’s a little bit of teething pain for a few days, so my red medicine (wine) is indeed required by the evening. But I’m very thankful it is still clicking along like clockwork despite the balancing act to get them even.

Speaking of balancing acts, hasn’t it been a challenge, to follow the rules, keep our space, continue with our physical and mental health fitness plans, stay involved and motivated to work if we are lucky enough to still have jobs, while homeschooling, entertaining pets, looking for toilet paper, trying not to judge other’s motives …. argh the list goes on. Now personally I’m living the dream. I actually feel like this has been a real leveller. At the risk of sounding completey thoughtless, it’s kind of humbling yet liberating for me to know I’ve already self isolated for an entire 14 months after my bone marrow transplant (no government subsidies for us when I had to take that time off my full time job, or recently with some further unpaid leave-clearly I’m not bitter!), and we’ve watched our savings go down the drain on medical bills, having to spend the left over instead on ‘living’ as opposed to that delightful honeymoon, overseas holiday or dream house improvements as planned. So please forgive me if I seem to be embracing this all! (It’s nice to collectively not feel alone isn’t it? What’s been the catch cry? We’re all in this together! Inside I’m screaming “FINALLY”).

In an effort to balance out what might appear as callous or be perceived as ruthless or dare I say deleterious, let me also say I love you all, stay safe and we’ll see each other on the flip side.

Happy days xx

No where 2 B no where 2 go

Isn’t it ironic: petrol prices low, weeked coming, no where to go.

Murray and a Golden Retriever (could be half brothers)

Well ensure you focus on the positives of what this time means for us all. Slowing down, taking stock, family bonding, back to nature, less pollution, less waste, more love. With any luck this is the way of the future even after the crisis has passed.

This morning I was raring to get to the beach when my blog got a notification from a blogger of a similar name I’m following. She posted a video regarding a scientist Greg Braden (USA) explaining COVID-19. Literally answered all of my questions, and as they say knowledge is power and now I feel empowered to take charge of my own health & safety surrounding this pandemic. If you are interested ffinding his video and meditations see http://www.gregbraden.com and for further info on the science see http://www.heartmath.com

Now this video was 50 minutes long so I was torn between watching now or later but once I started I didn’t want to stop till I was finished, so I was getting agitated I wasn’t at the beach, as I wanted to arrive before 10am to give Murray time off the lead. As it turned out, when I finally got there, frustrated and anxious as I literally touched down at the waters edge there was a dolphin right in front of me, 20 meters from the shore line, if that. Given it was swimming in the opposite direction I normally walk I followed it to Henley Square, pointing out out to people as I went, and than walked back to West Beach surf life saving club then, to where I’d parked at Henley sailing club, with a 10 minute lay over of meditation on the sand during my 2 hour (guided mediation) mindful walk. What a joy. Life obviously wanted me to see that video AND delay my beach time perfectly. Life is not a struggle when we surrender to it. Life should always be this easy and it can be when we start to connect to ourselves apart from outside influences. So gratefull to have this life. Every breath we take is another chance to change our lives for the better, become what we want to be, and live the life we deserve. And as Sylvester says ‘every day do one thing for yourself that puts something in the heart bank’. Meaning look after yourself, your growth, your learning and your self compassion.

My mediation quote today was make sure when saying yes to someone else you are not saying no to yourself. The kinder we are to ourselves, the kinder we can be to others. That brings me back to the video I watched. Along with the facts about Sars-CoV-2 (the scientific name) COVID-19 being the condition, one of many different virus that exist under the banner Coranavirus, Greg discusses how we can prevent the spread and protect ourselves. Amongst the obvious and well known he mentions,  fresh air, nature, social connection (aren’t we lucky we live in a digital age where we can do this while still practicing social distancing), nutrition, exercise and meditation to reduce stress as stress attracts dis-ease. It’s worthy to note, these concepts are all pillars to the idea of fulfilment and wellness. They are called the dimensions of health and wellness.

Now at the end of his presentation he alludes to the science behind meditation and connecting the brain and the heart in co-hereance much as Joe Dispenza, Deepak Chopra even Russel Brand (worth following) do & Louise Hay did (rest her soul). Fitting, as I’ve already started this journey and loving how the universe keeps sending me signs I’m on the right path – All we need is LOVE (sometimes I wonder how we have lived amongst higher beings when I quote their, lyrics, movie lines or well known phrases).

Now there is no way I’m perfect, and I still get caught up in day to day and let emotion take over and ya de ya de ya. But every day I try and make my life and others a little easier and meditating (some call it praying) helps me get closer to realising my goal. Seize the day, the time is now to practice love and compassion and thoughtfulness, in what we do how we do it and how we say it…including to ourselves.

So although I’m disappointed as it seems my breast reconstruction surgery will now be delayed beyond the surgeon’s prediction of June due to elective surgery canned, I’m hopeful the clinic will stay open to allow for me to continue my visits for expansion. I’ve also had clarified what felt like a broken rib, was my strong muscle fighting the rib against the expander, but she is confident the expander always wins which means the pain will minimise over time. Meanwhile, I’m off to eat my home made spinach soup (packed with vitamin C), drop some off at my dad’s door, do a spot of yoga and finish with a heart and mind connection meditation.

Happy Days xx

Dolphin close to shore