TGIF Chapter 14

To:                   yummumzobum@hotmail.com

Date:               5th October

Subject;           embarrassing bath buddies!!

OMG Zo

I just got to work from the gym, but I’m still recovering!  As the ladies showers are being painted I had to shower in the mens.  They only have curtains don’t they – no doors.  Already I’m stressed.  I walk in and catch old man Gary taking a leak at the urinal ( he groans while he’s pissing)  ah – I let out a tiny squeal and stumble backwards while I wait for him to come out.  I ask him if anyone else is in there, he says no.  So I go in and head straight for the shower – god men’s toilet’s stink like piss!

So I undress in the shower and start the water, then hear someone else come in, I finish in record time and start changing behind the sticky wet curtain.  As I’m trying to get my undies on I slip and my ass pokes out of the curtain.  “is that you Jay?” I hear the voice of Jed, Jesus how embarrassing – did he just see my ass?

“Yes” I mumble and crawl further into the cubicle, trying to get my socks on and not get them wet before I put my boots on I stumble again and this time wind up bringing the whole god dam curtain down with me.

Jed comes to the rescue and helps me up (dressed only in my jeans, boots and padded bra!!!) he looks away as I put my top on (like a true gentleman) then helps me out with my bags, so I can do my hair and makeup in the girls loo.

I am limping by this stage, I think I twisted my knee.  You might have to check it Friday for me.

Yours truly

Embarrassed eager gym tart

PS how did Jed recognise me?

PSS does my face look the same as my ass??

PSSS how am I going to face him for PT tomorrow???

BTW Booked in to get my results from my MRI tomoz arvo.

MOTTO FOR WEEK;  THE UNIVERSE IS A SICK AND CRUEL BASTARD SOME TIMES

We have succumb!! You heard it here first. We are now on Facebook.  We have hit the 21st Century, joined the peeps, become like everyone else and failed to ward of peer pressure any longer, well honestly Luke needed 2 more ‘likes’ on his new business venture so joined us up, with no refusal to be heard of.  And I have to say that is 5 hours of my life that I will never get back, but I have 193 friends to show for it.  I mean that is how you measure your importance in the world isn’t it? How many friends you have on Facebook, if people ‘like’ your posts and a photo of what the school mum is choosing to give her kids for breakfast.  Yes definitely all first world problems discussed on Facebook.  Any way enough time has been wasted on that, let’s talk about what I’ll be serving Zo today.
I have an enchanting ‘Little Demons’ from Maxwell 2010 Cab Merlot – I think it’s one of the best wines I’ve ever tasted, we bought it at Easter when we were staying with friends in Silver Sands, a stunning long stretch of white beach down south with surf for kids to boogie board in, glassy waters you can paddle board on top of (given the right time of day), sand you can drive your car on and best of all pets are welcome.  One of the nights we drove to Aldinga (a neighbouring beach) for dinner and I fell so in love with the wine I had with dinner I bought a dozen before we left.  Cracking the wine to breath brings back good memories of the weekend, like a song reminds you of a moment in time. I have a small Margaret River Chilli Cheese and Vita-Wheat multigrain rice crackers, in which I am hooked since trying them at a friend’s 40th while dressed as Tina Turner where I led the dance floor to Nut Bush (while getting my heel ……well a borrowed heel….caught in the gap on the decking dance floor).  Why such small cheese today?  I hear you ask.  Well it’s because of our coinciding injuries/illness, and my feeble attempt to ward off the bulge, but you’ll hear all about that later when Zo arrives.
I have an agenda today to discuss with Zo but I just don’t know how much we’ll get through given what limited time we have today:
W & C AGENDA
  1. Zo’s injury wtf happened?
  2. My illness wtfw? Turns out facing the gym Monday after my bathroom buddies embarrassment was the least of my worries.
(that could be all the time we have, but preferably moving onto)
  1. My 40th
  2. What I will wear to exclusive gym party in a few weeks

 

“They’re here!!” Dash screams me out of my reverence.

“Hi babe” I say as Zo walks in and gets slammed against the door jamb as Harry pushes past too eager to wait a millisecond for his mum to get through.  Ever since MKR season finished I can’t stop saying ‘babe’

“Hey Jay” we do the customary hug.  We sit in our customary chairs and Harry and Dash disappear into their customary room.  Ever since the analogue signal got turned off and we rely totes on digital now, the only TV that works in the house is the front room and even that is spasmodic.  I can’t get my favourite channel 11 and someone said I need quad shield wiring or something but does the government compensate for the changeover??  Noooohhhhh they do not and because of that I’m already $7000 out of pocket, if you include the first flat screen we bought for $3000 which in less than 5 years has blown it’s digital tuner (now working off a set top box)…thanks Sony, our new smart TV and the spare digital for the bedroom and digital arial..but that’s still not enough, we now need quadfuckingshieldwiring.  Anyway, that’s why the kids are in the front room.  So they can zone out to ABC3 while they simultaneously play on their I-pod/I-pad creating worlds in Mindcraft.

 

“Babe tell me what the hell they found on your knee MRI.  I know you said Wednesday you weren’t ready to talk about it but surely…..”

She hands me my wine… making herself at home.  What’s mine is hers.  It’s been three weeks since I was able to exercise, I got struck by appendicitis at a Crows game a few weeks ago and after driving myself home from the game because Troy was too pissed and then dropping him off and driving myself to emergency, getting Zo to diagnose it over the phone, paying a $700 gap to be seen and stayed two nights after having a laparoscopic appendectomy (how clever do I sound?) I was told to have two weeks off heavy lifting and exercise.  I then proceeded to the gym on my release date and found I could not ‘step the step’ as my knee was excruciating.  Leaving the class in tears I found Zo down stairs who immediately referred me to a knee clinic and got me in that Monday.  The MRI came back Wednesday.

“It’s AVN”

“wholly shit”

“bilateral condoles”

“fuck”

“fucken shit”

“fuck, that’s bad”

“as bad as cancer I’d say”

“well not as bad as cancer”

“ok not as bad as cancer, but bad”

“fucken bad babe…..show me the report”

I get up and grab the report, I notice Zo looks as devastated as I feel.  That can’t be good.  When a doctor looks devastated you know it’s fucken bad.

“GET OUT” yells Dash

“I’m not in it” screams Harry back

“You added a stupid branch and now your climbing it so GET OUT”

“What the heck is going on in here?” I state in unison with Zo.

“Harry’s in my tree house and I want him to get out, he’s not invited and he doesn’t know the secret password”

“What the he…heck are your talking about?” asks Zoe

“What tree house?” I reiterate, as we both get up to investigate, don’t panic, we simultaneously grab our wines before exiting our perch.

“My tree house on here” Dash presents her I-pod to me and I see on screen a Lego type tree house image.

“Your virtual tree house?” I enquire with mockery

“Yes”, defiant Dash as always

“You are having a fight about Harry virtually being in your virtual tree house?”

They nod.  We look at each other and roll our eyes.  I throw my free hand in the air for added measure.

“Virtually work it out” I mutter, as we head back to our sanity (and our small block of cheese).

We sit.

“So the report says you have avascular necrosis, both condoles of your left knee.  Which in laymen terms means the bone is dead.  Like you see dead bones from road kills, that’s what your knee looks like.  It’s such an unusual diagnosis Jay, no wonder I could never work out what it was and that the x-ray and ultra sound I ordered for you didn’t’ show it.  It’s not a common condition, particularly in the knees, more likely in the hips and shoulders of older people on steroids, that have Lupus, diabetes or drink excessively.”

We look at each other, but she reassures me this is not excessive drinking.

“It looks pretty severe, but the good news is, the bone can possibly grow back eventually.  What did your surgeon say?”

“He said it’s bad, that there’s nothing he can do, that can be done, and that at my age, it more than likely won’t grow back.  I mean who knew bone was a living thing? Well dumb question, you obviously knew. He said it died due to lack of blood supply, don’t know why, he said idiopathetic or something”

“Idiopathic”

“He said mine has happened over a long period of time, could have been dying for three years, there’s lots of swelling and if it has any chance to grow back I need to not do any high im……”

“oh Jay”

I compose myself and blow my nose

“High impact activity, no heavy weights, no lunging, no squatting, no jumping….god…I did Body Attack Monday with jump lunges and squats… my knee was feeling better this week…”

“How long?”

“An hour, like any class”

“How long are you off exercise, doofus?”

“He said with the degree of bone death it could take from six to eighteen months”

“Oh shit”

We sit in silent contemplation momentarily.

“He said I should take up swimming”

Zo snorts and laughs a bit of red wine up her wind pipe which in turn makes her cough and I catch a bit of cracker from her mouth on my cheek.

“It’s just that when you swim you try hard to not get your hair wet – unless you’re doing one of your spectacular dives, and you only breast stroke if I have put your Pina Colada at the deep end”

“Very funny, well I guess that will all have to change.  Apparently when you do freestyle…according to Dash’s swimming teacher…you breath out under the water”

“Omg Jay you have a long way to go, seriously though what are you going to do?”

“Get fat and happy”

“No seriously”

“Well yesterday I checked out all the local pools, bought Speedo bathers, goggles, hair cap…..and visited the gym and postponed my membership for twelve months”

“Oh my god”

“I’m gonna miss the gym, and my friends, and seeing you every day….and my dancing and my music”

“Oh Jay you can get underwater housing for your I-pod shuffle and listen to music while you swim”

“No way?” I ask in disbelief

“Way.  I will get Luke to order, it will be our get well soon gift to you”

“I don’t have an -I-pod shuffle”

“I do, you can have mine.  Do you think the fall at work the other week aggravated it?”

“Definitely.  It locked before I went down face first in front of 30 of my participants and ended up with yoghurt on my face.  Literally.”

“You should claim compo”

“Yeah, except for the fact I’d been complaining intermittently about my knee for the last few years”

“Except for that, yeah”

“So tell me what the hell happened to you?”

 

Zo has been sitting here the whole time in a sling and I am dying to know what the owner of the gym did to put her in this situation!  She explains how she was doing a manoeuvre in a ferro band during personal training.  Jed was sick so she had Springsteen.  They were both in it and he was pulling back, she was supposed to run away from him.  Bear in mind he is 90 kilos and she is 45.  She explains how she wasn’t doing it right and so he stopped the tension in order to show her, but he didn’t tell her he was stopping and she catapulted into his shoulder.

“It was like hitting a fucking brick wall!” she concludes

“Oh Zo, put’s a new meaning to Spingsteen. Sorry.  What did he say?”

“Well I fell to the floor and it was excruciating and he said ‘maybe you just feel sick from the shock’ and I retorted I’d had a nine pound baby, and know the difference between shock and pain.  Anyway I went straight to Sportsmed and I’ve torn my crucial ligament – may take six weeks to heal, no running for four, obviously no weights.  I can do crunches and leg machine weights.”

“Far out, I don’t know what to say, oh yes I do, we could do wine mid-week!?”

“I’m off work for six and I don’t have any sick leave – which means it will be unpaid, which we can’t afford since the bathroom fell apart and the white ants”

“What?”

“I’ll tell you later, I think the gym should pay for my loss of income and medical bills”

“Definitely, you should sue”

“Yeah except he’s my friend”

“Yeah except for that”